I will almost never post to things in one day, but I just realized that I have been writing on this page for 10 years. That is unbelievable to me. It doesn’t feel like it, but 10 years ago, January 5 of 2013 to be exact, I was a sophomore in Bible college. I probably thought I knew everything. My wife and I had been married for just over two years, and we only had one kid, who was almost a year old. We were living in Glendale, AZ, and we were in the process of church hunting due to our previous church going in a direction we didn’t like. Things have changed dramatically since then, and yet they are so much the same!
Over the last 10 years, I feel like I have grown a lot. I graduated college. I got ordained as a pastor. I have built ministries from the ground up, served in existing ministries, and even seen some of those ministries fall apart. I have made amazing friends who encouraged me in the Lord, and I have had to leave those friends as I’ve moved around the country. They’re still there, but I don’t talk to them nearly as much as I should . . . a product of my anxiety, apathy (medication induced), and even fear. I’ve also drifted from God, followed my own passions and desires, and tried to do things on my own. Spoiler alert! It didn’t work. I have had several interesting jobs (none of them in ministry), and somehow, by God’s grace, survived what should have been two fatal heart attacks at 40 years old. Needless to say, it’s been a rollercoaster.
So, where am I now? Well, I have found a newly revived passion for God and teaching others about Him and His word. I am living in Mississippi (never would have imagined that!). I am unemployed because my anxiety and depression got so bad that I couldn’t even get out of bed a lot of days. I actually had a three day long panic attack. Not fun! I am involved (and getting more involved) in a church that I really like. I do worry that they will think I’m crazy when they read this blog, but I guess we’ll deal with that when we get there.
All in all, I have a good life, although I struggle to see it that way at times. My depression and anxiety, which was only made worse by the PTSD I suffer from my heart attacks, is now getting better. I am doing weekly counseling, as well as some other treatments, that have worked wonderfully. The truth is, though, I think that my renewed and reinvigorated love for God and relationship with Him is the main driving force behind my improvement. Please don’t tell my wife. She’s been on me for years, and I wouldn’t want her to think she was right all along (she was! And I’m sure she’s reading this.).
So, over the last ten years, I have had some serious ups, like graduating college, the birth of my second son (not that the first was any less amazing . . . just not in the last 10 years.), getting to travel the country, getting to go to Hawaii, being ordained to do ministry as a pastor, and buying my first house (although that has its own not so great backstory). There have also been a lot of downs. I almost died from a heart attack, and then I did actually die from a second one (I got better). I have had mental and emotional breakdowns that have, at times, made a “normal” life impossible. I have had to leave churches and people I loved. I lost my dad suddenly to a car accident. Sadly, I feel like there has been more down than up, but that is probably just my perspective. Remember . . . depression.
Here is the point to all of this, though. Through all of this, through all of the amazing moments and debilitating struggles, I can say one thing for sure. God has been with me through all of it, even when I didn’t see it. Sometimes I feel like I have completely failed as a husband, a dad, and a man. There were times I felt like my life wasn’t worth living anymore. Often I feel like there is no light at the end of my tunnel. I feel like, even though my depression and anxiety are improving, I will never be able to live the life I want to live. Sometimes I feel like I will never be of value to the people around me or to the world.
The truth is, though, God brought me through all of this, and as cliche as it sound, He allowed it for a reason. Do I know what that reason is? No, not really. I can say that I have grown from a lot of it, but I still struggle. It is still hard for me to simply exist some days. My greatest desire is to be able to teach people about the Bible. God gave me a passion to work within the local church to disciple others and deepen their love and understanding of the Scriptures. My wife says that God saved my life so that I could do that one day, but, to be honest, it feels like that day is never going to come.
OK, I keep trying to bring the mood up, and yet I keep going back to complaining. Here is where I am at right now, in this moment: I am leaning on God! I started writing this blog again because I can hopefully live out my passion for teaching right here. I have hope that, even if I never get hired as a pastor or find some other way to be a Bible teacher, I will always have Jesus. He will always present me with ways to spread His truth to others. More than all of that, though, He will always be with me.
Our God isn’t some distant deity who we have to entice to intercede in our lives. No, our God is close to us at all times. In fact, He lives in us! His Spirit actually lives in us and fills us with the joy and peace and comfort and love that can only come from God . . . if we let Him. So, am I doing perfect? No. Are all my days great days? Not even close right now. Am I “#tooblessedtobestressed”? Absolutely not. Life is hard. When I draw close to God, when I really let Him define who I am and what I’m worth, and when I let everything else except for Him fade away, I find peace. I find comfort. There have even been a few times I’ve found joy . . . which has been extremely rare. God doesn’t make all the hard things go away. He makes the hard things seem small in light of who He is and who He says I am. That is where I’m at right in this moment.
Things aren’t easy. I’m in constant pain (from broken ribs from CPR that will never fully heal). I have had more death in my life in the last three years than anyone should. But right now, right in this moment, I feel peaceful. I feel loved. I feel strong. I feel like my life has a purpose, and that purpose is to love people the way God has loved me . . . and that brings me more joy than I have felt in LONG time.
I don’t know where you’re at right now. You’re life may be great, or you could feel like everything is in shambles and there’s no way out. My prayer for you tonight is that you will draw close to God. Sorry, my “Christianese” took over. Just talk to Him. Tell Him what you’re feeling. Yell at Him if you have to. Tell Him you’re angry. He can handle it. Or, cry your heart out. Tell Him that you feel like you can’t go on. Tell Him that you’re scared, alone, or broken. That’s what He’s there for.
Most importantly, though, give your life to Him. He is the King of the Universe. He rules over everything and everyone. But, He’s a good King. He wants what is best for His people. He wants nothing more than for you to run to Him, trust Him, and let Him be your strength, your hope, and your refuge. He wants you to be part of His family! I don’t write this to tell you that you need to get your life right or follow His rules. That’s not what this is about. No, this is about letting your Father lift you up and rescue you . . . because He will.
Ten years ago, I thought I knew it all. Now I have more questions than I’ve ever had. The one thing I don’t question, though, is God’s love and presence in my life. I have seen it first hand. I have felt Him when I’m near Him. I have seen the way He fulfills me when I just let Him! That is what I pray for anyone who is feeling lost or hopeless or alone. Run to Him! Please! It is the best decision you will ever make!
Uncovering the Bible 